March 24, 2008

Construction Zone

Greetings, Humanoids. It's been a while. How y'all been? Me? I've been okay... thanks for asking. As you know, I've been trying to help Stew get the house ready to put on the market for sale. And, it probably goes without saying that things don't always go as planned when Stew's involved. You all know Murphy's Law? It's a theory that says Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong. Well, I've come up with a new law - Stew's Law. It goes something like this: Whenever Stew picks up a hammer, Momma's checking account shrinks by another $100. You see, Stew's not a professional carpenter. In fact, he's not even a semi-pro or an amateur. Let's just say "carpenter" is not on the List of Things I Would Call Stew. So, when Stew attempts to "build" something, it typically involves 3-4 unplanned trips to Home Depot or Lowe's... and another $100 in expenses that weren't on Momma's original budgetary spreadsheet. Therefore, Momma gets angry... and you wouldn't like Momma when she's angry. She doesn't always turn green and tear off her clothes. It's more like a reddish-purple hue, and she usually stays fully clothed. But, she doesn't hesitate to grab the whiteboard and point out to Stew that he's "not following the family plan!" [click HERE if you don't "get" the whiteboard reference]

But, to quote a (supposed) great American -- President G.W. Bush -- we're "making progress" and "the surge is working" on our house projects, but it's "hard work" and we need to "stay the course." And if using Dubya's definition of "progress", one could say Stew's been making progress on the basement for the past five years. And despite major construction operations having ended in the basement back in 2003 (Mission Accomplished), Stew's still been occupying the basement and slowly tearing down the house under the guise of building a better basement (Operation Bachelor Pad). Well, this is one instance where perhaps Dubya's Theory of Outsourcing might work: Whatever can be outsourced will be outsourced, even if that means military operations or basement construction projects, as long as someone gets rich at the tax payers expense. Does Halliburton have a basement remodeling subsidiary? Well, Momma wants Stew to cut and run on his mission (Shock and Awe Shucks I have to go back to Home Depot for more supplies) so we can move on to bigger and better things, like a bigger and better house. However, Stew seems to be following the John McCain Plan -- a continuous occupation of the basement until victory is our's! And by "victory", I mean... well, quite frankly, I'm not sure. We just hope these pesky house projects don't follow us to our new home.

Anyway, this concludes the political commentary for today's blog. I leave you with a couple "Before" and "After" photos of the upstairs bathroom. My goal is to eventually post a "Before-After" video if Stew ever completes Momma's list of projects... otherwise, you can look forward to a video of Stew slowly walking down the street -- his head hanging low while he carries a duffel bag full of his four t-shirts, three pairs of underwear, two pairs of tube socks, his Homer Simpson beer bottle opener, and his 32 oz "I Got Trashed In Louie's Backyard" tumbler from Spring Break 1991 (South Padre Island) -- after Momma kicks him out of the house for "failing to complete his assigned tasks as related to the Stewart Family Plan".




Anonymous 11:32 AM  

Good job on the bathroom Stewie. The cabinet looks great.

And don't fret about the "outsourcing". We just paid someone to paint our living room - the easiest and most accessable of jobs. Kermit hated to part with the money, but it made for a very happy wife...which is worth it's weight in gold, don't ya think?


Mike Rios 5:59 PM  

Hey Stew! The cabinet looks good. But, now the window doesn't match. Sorry!

Anonymous 8:02 AM  

Oooh, the linen closet door doesn't match either!

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About This Blog

Commentary from a stay-at-home dad on daily happenings and misadventures while helping raise a wonderful little girl. The goal is to employ wit, sarcasm and/or humor to make the blog pseudo-entertaining. Then again, setting goals never really worked for me, but maybe you'll chuckle anyway.

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