RETURN OF THE JOHNSONS
It was a Star Wars theme at our house this past week. Of course, I'm speaking of the George Lucas epic space opera sort of Star Wars... not the Ronald Reagan missile defense system named after the movie. Unfortunately, I have not yet developed a ground- and space-based missile defense system to protect the Stewart Doghouse from attack by strategic deadly ballistic acorns launched by squirrels hiding in our backyard maple trees. But such a defense system is not far off, and I plan to give it a much cooler name than "Star Wars". I'm thinking more along the lines of Squirrel House Intruder & Terrorist Slayer (it's going to be the SHITS)! In the meantime, I'm sticking to my current strategic offense doctrine of mutual assured destruction (which seemed to have worked nicely for both the United States and Russia during The Cold War). Plus, I have sharks with laser beams attached to their heads ready to launch a subaquatic attack in the event of a nautical assault by a squirrel on water skis. Don't laugh... they're out there, and I have photographic evidence. But please don't tell the squirrels about my underwater defense plans... I want them to be surprised when Special Agent Jaws devours them.
Anyway, The Johnson Family returned for a visit from their windy death star - more commonly known as "Chicago". And the three Johnson Jedi Knights (Spencer, Blake and Nash) - accompanied by their mom, Princess Jane, and their Wookie dad (aka SexyFatDad101) - met up with Momma, Stew, Claire and Auntie Karen at the Science Museum of Minnesota
where a Star Wars exhibit was... well, being exhibited. And since Stew has led such a sheltered life, he knows very little about Star Wars and had no clue as to what a "Sith" is... why it's so angry... and, more importantly, why it holds such a grudge in that an entire movie has been dedicated to telling of its revenge (Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith). I'm not much of a Star Wars aficionado either, so I went online and took this test to determine which Star Wars character I am most like. While I fully expected to be tagged as Yoda or Obi-Wan Kenobi... you know, one of the wiser characters... it turns out I'm more like Billy Dee Williams (aka Lando Calrissian from Episodes V and VI)... probably 'cause Billy Dee is so dang cool and a smooooth ladies man. Plus, we both look damn good in a cape!
Stew claims the level of nerdiness of a Star Wars fan is just barely below that of a Trekkie (a fan of the 1960's TV series, Star Trek). While both types of fans generally live at home in their parent's basement, most Star Wars fans are still capable of carrying on an adult and coherent conversation with a stranger (some have even been known to talk to a girl). Trekkies, on the other hand, have no ability to communicate effectively with a non-Trekkie, so they tend to babble on about "the Federation" and eventually start talking gibberish (which they claim is actually Klingon language). Anyway, after the museum visit, the starfleet of jedis, wookies and princesses all headed over to Auntie Karen's friend's house for a dip in the pool and some tasty burgers. Thanks to Jeanne for having us over! And by "us", I mean "everybody but me..." However, Stew tells me Jeanne's husband, Jay, said I was welcome to come jump in their pool anytime (as long as I wear a swim suit).
THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK... this time with stock options!
In a separate Star Wars like episode that actually started earlier in the week, Momma retrieved The Stewart Family Whiteboard from the closet for another series of Team Stewart meetings to discuss the family jewels (i.e., finances). Stew cried a little at first, but eventually composed himself long enough to take notes. In light of a slumping economy, higher gas prices, a crashing mortgage industry, and an apparent lack of career path at her current employer, Momma decided to enter into talks with the dark side of the Force (aka Momma's former employer, whose name I refuse to write in this blog for fear of reprisal from the dark lords who reign over said evil empire). The purpose of this series of family meetings was to decipher the best course of action to pursue for the benefit of Claire's future and Stew's addiction to Starbuck's iced mochas. To make a long story short -- yes, it can be done if I put my mind to it -- Momma has accepted a position of Director of Product Development for the dark side of the Force. We are quite excited for this new chapter of our Team Stewart life, although responses from family and friends to this announcement have been less than exuberant. But we understand hearing the words "Linda's going back to the dark side" do not evoke immediate words of encouragement and support. But those who know Momma best understand she has a never-ending drive to succeed and is fully capable of making good, sound decisions (notwithstanding her marrying Stew). Momma is pretty much the polar opposite of Stew, who prefers to lie on the couch munching Cheetos while trying to watch unwatchable television (i.e., The Tyra Show).
Momma wasn't always without a soul. She began life as a South Dakota farm girl. She attended a state college in Minnesota and started her career in SD state government before joining the MN Department of Health. After several years in public service, Momma was seduced by the dark side (i.e., the corporate world). Her boundless abilities fueled a sense of pride that eventually hastened her fall. She'd take on more responsibilities than her role within the enterprise would require. She viewed the phrase "That's not my job" as words of betrayal to the empire and a sign of weakness, and Momma would soon be known to take on any project thrown her way. In the chaos that accompanied Momma's rise to power, she became one of the empire's most loyal servants. But the birth of Claire brought a new perspective to Momma, and she left the evil empire in pursuit of a better work-life balance. Well, that didn't work out as planned as it seems "ruling the galaxy" and "work-life balance" are mutually exclusive. Therefore, Momma's heading back to the dark side come August.
Do you think George Lucas will make a gazillion movies based on Momma's life? For obvious reasons, I'm thinking Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie could play Stew and Momma respectively... and I would, of course, play myself since I have prior acting experience as the stunt dog in the movie, Underdog. I believe I'm ready for a speaking part now, Mr. Lucas, so have your people call my people and let's sniff out a deal. Arroooooh!
July 17, 2008
RETURN OF THE JOHNSONS