April 28, 2009

The Proof's in the Pudding... and the Pork!

I've been watching Stew very closely the last few days for any signs of the swine flu. You see, he eats an inordinate amount of bacon on a weekly basis. So I'm not only concerned about his arteries but I'm also afraid he'll eat a swine flu virus and pass it to the rest of us. Stew pretty much inhales his food and hardly ever spends time to chew it, so I'm convinced any virus will make it into his system without being harmed by his gnashing teeth. Then after I learned the swine flu originated in Mexico, I got very concerned when I found Stew in the kitchen this weekend frying up some chorizo for a batch of Stew's Fiesta Frankfurters... a freakish Mexican-inspired chili dog formed by combining hotdogs, chorizo, onions and hot peppers served on a hoagie bun (with spicy fries, of course).

So I've known for quite some time that pigs have the ability of flight. I also know life exists on other planets in the galaxy, and that our planet is currently inhabited by aliens who want to take over the world. How else do you explain Mitt Romney? And now there's scientific proof that pigs can fly because the current strain that originated in Mexico is a hybrid of swine, avian (bird) and human viruses [source]. The existence of the human virus is easily explained - lonely Mexican pig farmers. But the ONLY explanation for the bird flu virus is that pigs can, in fact, fly. Case closed.

In other news, it seems as though I owe Miss California an apology. I was convinced that she lost the Mi
ss USA title not only because she was reportedly behind in the scoring after both the swimsuit and evening gown competitions, but also because she gave a rambling, nonsensical answer to a fairly straightforward question [view it HERE if you live under a rock and have not yet seen video footage of it]. Well, it turns out this is how you are supposed to answer these types of questions if you are a beauty contest finalist, so perhaps she should have won after all. Then again, I recently discovered footage of Miss Arizona giving her answer to a question about universal healthcare. And if babbling like an idiot and not saying anything of substance is what is important in a beauty pageant, then I'd say Miss Arizona got screwed and has the best case for demanding a recount. She babbled with the utmost conviction!



The good news for Miss California is that she has most certainly secured herself a job on the Fox News Channel (or spot on the Palin-Miss California 2012 GOP Presidential ticket). Unfortunately, Miss Arizona doesn't meet the hiring requirements at Fox News (she's not blond), so she's likely going to end up on either The Weather Channel or CNN. Poor girl. Finding a non-blond on Fox News is about as rare as spotting a jackalope... or hearing a statement on Fox News that isn't a Right Wing talking point.

But speaking of fair and balanced, I should at least write something to defend beauty pageant contestants. Shockinlgy, Stew has some experience being put on the spot. No, he's never been in a beauty pageant. However, he tells me that in his junior year of high
school in Pierre (SD), he was interviewed by KCCR AM1240 Sports Director, Rod Fisher. Rod occasionally taped interviews with basketball players to air on his Friday morning sports radio show. Stew was a starting guard on the team (a fact he refuses to ever let die), and he was being interviewed about (nearly last place) Pierre's upcoming game against the #1 ranked Mitchell Kernels (home to the Mitchell Corn Palace). Unfortunately, I don't have an audio clip of the interview, but I was fortunate enough to dig up an old transcript from the KCCR archives...

Rod Fisher: I'm here today with Brett Stewart, junior starting guard on the Riggs High varsity basketball team. Thanks for being here today, Brett.

Stew: Um... You're welcome, Rod? Can I call you Rod, or should I call you Mr. Fisher?

Rod Fisher: Rod's fine.

Stew: Okay... Rod. [giggles]

Rod Fisher: So, you've got a big game Saturday night against the state's #1 ranked basketball team, lead by their seven foot tall senior, Bart Frederick. So tell me, Brett, is the key to winning going to be shutting down Frederick?

Stew: Um... no, I don't think so. Um... Mitchell has a lot of good players. Anderson and Byrd can both fill up the bucket and score lots of points, so I don't think we can focus on just one player.

Rod Fisher: So what's the game plan? How are you going to "pop" the Kernels tomorrow night?

Stew: Um, well... we're gonna need to shut down Bart Frederick. He's the focus of their entire offense.

Rod Fisher: Ooookay... so then do you plan to double- or triple-team him whenever he touches the ball?

Stew: Um... well... I don't think so because Mitchell has a lot of good players who can score. We can't just focus on one guy.

Rod Fisher: Well, I can't thank you enough for your time today. That was Brett Stewart, junior guard for Riggs High.

Stew: So that's it? We're done?

Rod Fisher: Yes.

Stew: Um... thanks, Rod. [giggles]

Pierre went on to lose to Mitchell by 36 points. At one point, a Mitchell player dunked a shot that went through the hoop and bounced off one of Stew's teammate's head. It was a humiliating experience for the Pierre team. The following year, the again #1 ranked Mitchell Kernels visited Pierre to play the not-very-highly-rated Pierre team. Pierre won by four points in a huge upset victory. Rod Fisher would never ask to interview Stew ever again, and his one and only radio interview still haunts Stew to this day.

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Commentary from a stay-at-home dad on daily happenings and misadventures while helping raise a wonderful little girl. The goal is to employ wit, sarcasm and/or humor to make the blog pseudo-entertaining. Then again, setting goals never really worked for me, but maybe you'll chuckle anyway.

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