Stew is Missing In Action

The typical morning routine around here consists of Momma and I waking up anytime between 4:45am and 6:00am... depending upon how ambitious she feels about doing Pilates or taking a run. If she goes running outside, then I'm right there with her; otherwise, it's back to bed for me. Meanwhile, Claire usually wakes up when she hears Momma turn on the shower. That's when Stew brings Claire from her crib into the master bedroom, where she runs into the bathroom to hang out with Momma while Stew goes back to bed. Eventually Stew has to be nudged to wake up again, get out of bed and start parenting. Which he does happily, I might add (but he made me write that).

But today, things were eerily different. Stew was nowhere to be found when Momma got up at 5:30am. The obvious place to start looking for Stew is the bathroom, definitely his favorite room in the entire house despite the presence of a shower (something he doesn't seem to know how to use). In fact, Stew loves the bathroom so much that he's been trying to convince Momma that we should buy this toilet shaped house in South Korea if we ever move from Chaska. Anyway, after a quick check, Stew did not turn up in any bathroom. The second place we checked was the walk-in closet downstairs where we keep shoes and cleaning supplies. It wouldn't surprise me if he wandered into the closet to get a pair of shoes, saw the vacuum cleaner in the corner and became distracted by the mysterious machine he's never seen before (even though his second most important stay-at-home-dad-related job behind caring for Claire is to maintain a clean house). Our only other thought was that he went outside to get an early start on watering his prized jalapeno garden, but the only critter I found out there was a rabbit I was unable to chase down (this time). So Momma went into our office to place a call to the local authorities to inform them of a missing, slightly overweight, overwhelmingly under confident, yet still oddly handsome man. And that's when she noticed the wall calendar, on which was hand-written in BIG BOLD LETTERS: NATIONAL DONUT DAY!!!

Despite Stew's incessant reminders, we had forgotten that ever since 1938, the first Friday of each June is deemed National Donut Day. The holiday celebrates the doughnut (a.k.a "donut") — an edible, ring-shaped piece of dough which is deep-fried and sweetened. Many American donut stores offer free donuts on National Donut Day. In 2009, both independent donut shops and large national franchises are offering free donuts in the United States. And therein lies the problem. The Chaska Bakery recently closed its doors after 137 years in business. Plus, there's not a single Dunkin' Donuts franchise in the entire state of Minnesota, which is simply ridiculous. Kristy Kreme also went belly up in this state, so I'm not sure what all the Oles and Lenas around here are eating for breakfast. If I owned a Minnesota bakery that served all the big Swedes that live here, I think I'd be offering an open sandwich topped with hard-boiled eggs and cod caviar squeezed from a tube... you know, your typical smörgås. Anyway... Stew, not knowing there's likely another locally-owned donut shop in the next suburb over, decided to hop in his SUV and head for the nearest Dunkin' Donuts... in Milwaukee, WI.

With this post about to go to press, Stew phoned in to let us know he's about 45 minutes away from returning home. He slipped into a sugar coma between the hours of 10am and Noon, but he put the pedal to the metal to get back home as quickly as possible. You see, Momma has plans to be in Fargo to meet up with some Pierre (SD) girl friends, and she can't leave until Stew gets home. And with Momma gone for the weekend, that could only mean one thing for us: a chili dog eating marathon for Stew. With any luck, he'll survive the weekend long enough for Momma to make it home to let me outside to pee before I have to make a mess on the floor. Claire seems to do a good job changing her own diaper whenever she feels like it, so I'm not worried about her.