You wanna see something REALLY scary?

Well, folks... we're all settled in Chaska. And by "settled", I mean we are all sleeping indoors. But that's about it. There are boxes everywhere, especially in the garage where they inhibit my ability to enjoy the brisk walk between the interior garage door (that enters into our new mud room -- also known as my dining facility) and the exterior garage door that leads to my new bathroom. You see, I suspect that at any moment a sword-wielding troll or garden gnome could leap from behind one of the boxes to challenge me to a duel. Well, I'm not much for sword fights, so I choose to sprint past the boxes as quickly as possible. The good news is that I overheard Momma saying to Stew last night, "I'm not being critical... but could you maybe pick up around here? It's getting a bit messy." In typical Stew fashion, he responded with a gleeful "sure!" while simultaneously turning his back, rolling his eyes and mouthing "whatever!" He's such an 8th grade schoolgirl. Anyway, I just wish my Aunt Susan were here around the clock to escort me through the garage because she has a way with gnomes. In fact, several gnomes live with her, and she even wears a t-shirt with a picture of a gnome on it. Who does that? Aunt Susan the Gnome Whisperer, that's who!

Speaking of gnomes and trolls, Stew is angrily walking around the house complaining about having to dish out free candy to (as he calls them) "the little neighborhood darlings". This tells me it's the time of year when I'm banished to the basement before the doorbell rings followed by faint cries of "trick or treat" from tiny voices (and the occasional pack of ghostly-looking mutts). Stew's angry because there are actually kids in our new neighborhood, so the doorbell's going to be very active. You see, the doorbell rang an average of two times on Halloween in the nearly 10 years Stew and Momma lived in Robbinsdale. But I hear Claire is going to be responsible for handing out candy since she's the only one in the family who owns a Halloween candy bucket. Grandma Helen brought her the bucket last week. It's orange with a spooky jack-o-lantern face. Oh, and speaking of neighborhood kids... our nextdoor neighbor stopped over to introduce herself last evening. I barked incessantly until her 4-year old daughter finally started to cry, then I retired to the mud room for some delicious dry dog food. Anyway, it turns out the little girl's name is "Clare", and they have a dog named "Berkley". As you know, we have a Claire who lives here with us. In fact, she's tugging on my ear as I type this posting. Plus, I have a cousin - a Bernese Mountain Dog - who goes by the name "Berkley" and lives amongst Aunt Susan's garden gnomes. I'm including a picture of cousin Berkley taken on the patio of our old Robbinsdale doghouse. Isn't he handsome?

And now for the scary part... As it turns out, Stew and Momma actually accepted an invitation to attend a Halloween costume party. I won't divulge their costumes just yet, but I'll try to post a picture of them on Monday. What I can tell you is that Stew eliminated "Joe the Plumber" from consideration because - after much thought and experimentation - Stew could not figure out how to drink beer with his head shoved firmly and deeply up his own ass. Sorry, Joe! Better luck next year when you'll be "Joe the Plumber who, despite being a major dumbass, actually had his taxes cut by more than $1,000 under an Obama Administration so now maybe he could pay his back taxes and/or buy a plumbing license".

Well, I gotta go. My head is throbbing because I just heard yet another John McCain speech on CNN while writing this post. I don't think I can take four more years of listening to an uninspiring rich white guy who makes you want to stab yourself in the ear whenever you hear him speak. And don't cha git me started on dat folksy Sarah Palin voice... Ugh!!!!!! I say someone ought to propose a Constitutional amendment that: A] forces you to retire from the federal government at the age of 70 yrs (this means you, too, Democratic Senators Kennedy and Byrd), and B] states that no more people who are [quote] "just like us" are allowed to run for President or VP. I prefer someone BETTER than me -- or better than anyone else I actually know -- to run the free world. Otherwise, you end up with another guy that people want to sit down with and drink a beer (who also eats kittens). Ugh, again!!!!!

Fear Factor

I know what you're thinking - wasn't that brilliant blogging dog supposed to be packing up his PC and moving to Chaska? Well, yes... but not after one final blog posting for the week. You see, if you're like me, then you're in dire need of some major toe nail clipping action. Plus, you're absolutely FED UP TO HERE (picture me waving my paw back and forth in front of my forehead) with the ignorance and/or narrow-mindedness of many people in this country... some of whom have managed to find their way into Congress and other high levels of leadership. And while you might think I'm talking about Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid (two Democrats who have no business running their respective chambers of Congress), I'm of course talking about the bat-shit crazy U.S. Representative from Minnesota's Sixth District - Michelle Bachmann (the attractive woman on the far right who is absolutely nutso!). I mentioned her in my Sept 30th blog posting, but I figured only a few of my Minnesotan readers would have any idea of who she is. Well, she's finally managed to make an ass of herself on a national level by stating Senator Obama - as well as many other members of Congress - have anti-American views and should be investigated by the (liberal elite) media. Really? Seriously? I guess there's nothing more anti-American than running for President of the United States. Who knew?

Unfortunately, it's not just Representative Bachmann who has earned my ire. No, indeed, it's most of the entire Right Wing neo- conservatives. You know, the folk who think that anyone whose opinion differs from theirs is an unpatriotic communist anti-American who hates God. The ones who would gladly vote for George Bush again if they could because they think he's "moral". Well, he says he talks to God, so I guess that technically makes him moral. Anyway, these are the people who think we're all gonna die and/or go to hell if Obama is elected because he's a socialist, terrorist, muslim, radical or __________ [insert any scary word here because you can't really say what you mean... "black"]. And in Joe the Plumber's case, a guy without the sense to realize the Republican agenda of Trickle-down Economics has done nothing for him while at the same time has managed to create an entire new class of people - the super rich (can you say "income redistribution"?). So let me get this straight - you WANT the super rich to continue getting tax cuts instead of yourself? Okay... that makes sense. And by the way, Joe, you'd actually fare better under Obama's tax plan if you spent as much time studying its details as you do calling press conferences and doing interviews. You find these "real Americans" everywhere, but usually at Sarah Palin rallies and/or Klan meetings (and occasionally at a McCain rally, but only if Governor Palin is there as an opening act). Apparently these "real Americans" live in "real America". And where exactly is "real America"? Well, The Daily Show with Jon Stewart hit it out of the park recently when they addressed this very question.

And here's a real glimpse inside the real America that is Wasilla, Alaska. I particularly enjoy the interview with the current Mayor of Wasilla (who was previously Deputy Mayor to Sarah Palin). It's obvious that being a small town mayor really prepares one to answer tough questions...

And if I've offended anyone, then I say "ditto" on Mr. Stewart's closing remarks...

Pooh, Pooh... Look Who's Two!

Claire turned two years old on Thursday. She started her day with a dance party in her nursery where she "got down" to various alternative country songs Stew had burned onto a CD. After getting down to some Lyle Lovett and Deadstring Cowboys' tunes, Claire and Stew headed to the Maple Grove Community Center to play at the indoor playground. After an hour or so of jumping in the ball pit, sliding down slides, climbing up slides and pointing at other kids, Claire met Andrew... a crazed kid on some sort of freakish sugar high. In the ball pit, Andrew "accidentally" fell on Claire's ankle, leading to a meltdown befitting a 2-year old diva. On their way out of the community center, Claire and Stew stopped by a big window so Claire could watch kids playing basketball (Stew's dream is for Claire to win a full-ride scholarship to be starting point guard for a Division I women's basketball team to be named later - but I prefer the U of M Golden Gophers - which proves I have the intellectual capacity to refrain from grouping all rodentia into the category of "terrorist"... a lesson for the thick-headed neo-conservatives out there who still fail to recognize the difference between "Muslim" and "terrorist").

After play time, Stew and Claire headed to Costco for lunch (Stew pushes Claire around the warehouse in a cart, stopping by all the free food sample stations... and they circle the store at least twice in order to insure Claire gets enough to eat). After Costco, the two arrived at home so Claire could color in her new coloring book while Stew baked her a birthday cake. Most of the day's activities were digitally documented, and Grandma Helen is coming to Claire-sit while we move on Friday (which means another birthday party for Claire on Saturday), so there's a good chance a video will appear on this blog at some future date. But, I believe I'll be packing up the computer early this week and likely won't return to blogging until we're in our new Chaska home. In the meantime, enjoy these photos of Claire enjoying her special day last Thursday...
And here's what happens when you turn your back on a toddler who likes to play with washable markers (you have to look closely at Claire's right eye to see the full extent of the "damage")... Anyone want to place a wager on how long it will take before Claire gouges out her eye with a marker while under Stew's care?

Out of the mouths of babes...

On Tuesday morning we learned that Scholastic, a children's publishing and media company, announced the results of its recent presidential election poll of 250,000 students ranging from 1st through 12th grades (read more about the poll HERE). The big kids chose Obama over McCain by a wide margin. But Claire is her own person and wasn't swayed by the poll results. Trust me when I tell you she's seen enough CNN, Fox and MSNBC cable news coverage to draw her own conclusions. Speaking of which, did anyone see the coverage of the McCain rally in Lakeville, MN? Can you say "ignorant"? Anyway, Claire wanted me to post her endorsement for the 2008 Presidential Election...

Home 4 the Holidays

It's been more than 20 months since I started this site, and in that time I've encountered quite a few people. Mysteriously, most of the folk who leave comments on my blog share the name "Anonymous". However, I occasionally receive personal emails that y'all don't see. For example, I'm always receiving marriage proposals from desperate Chihuahua's and other tiny doggies forced to live inside Louis Vuitton handbags being toted around Hollywood by vile, talentless celebritards. I also sometimes get offers to "meet under the big oak tree in the park next to the merry-go-round." No thanks... I know such messages originate from a rogue squirrel impersonating the sexy Bassett Hound who lives on the corner, and I refuse to be duped by a rodent terrorist. And I even received an email last week from Mr. Moses Odiaka, VP of the Union Bank in Lagos, Nigeria. It seems a visiting oil field contractor (and Union Bank customer) tragically died in a plane crash and left $18M in his account with no instructions for what to do with the funds. So, Mr. Odiaka contacted me to see if I wanted to split the money. In light of the recent downward spiral of the stock market, I jumped on this offer. All I had to do was send him some cash and personal information. In return, I should be receiving my $9M via electronic funds transfer any day now. Sweet!

In the meantime, I made a new friend last week. I probably shouldn't tell you her name in the event she doesn't approve of my posting. What I can tell you is that she works for Rocket XL - "...a cutting edge, full service online marketing company with a proven ability to find and engage the most influential evangelists across the internet." Who knew I was an "influential evangelist"? I always viewed evangelists as overweight southerners who hate gays and people of color. But apparently, those guys are televangelists and have no relation to internet evangelists like me. So why did my new friend contact me? Allow me to explain...

LA-based Rocket XL is working for one of the world's most successful pet adoption drives, Iams Home 4 the Holidays! This year's goal is to place at least 1 million shelter dogs, cats and other pets in loving and happy homes over the holiday season (Oct. 1, 2008 through Jan. 5, 2009).Campaign organizers are working with animal bloggers from around the world to get the message out about pet adoption and the Iams Home 4 the Holidays drive. Unfortunately, I was not asked to be the adoption drive celebrity spokesperson this year, but my favorite "Desperate Housewife" was. Felicity Huffman and her adopted dog, Tucker, are leading the charge to get the word out. Click here to see Tucker and Felicity taking part in a photo-shoot to support the campaign. And if you click HERE, you can find animal shelters in your state (or country) who are participating with the program.

As I think everyone knows, I am a Hurricane Katrina survivor. I, along with at least 10 other pups, was rescued by Aussie Rescue of Minnesota. I know what you're saying, "I didn't know you were an Aussie, Bogart." Well, you'd actually have to be a few kangaroos loose in the top paddock to think I'm Australian. The truth is we don't really know what I am (although we're leaning towards a limey English Shepherd). Regardless, love of dogs has no bounds, and the fine folks at the Aussie Rescue saved me with no thought to my not being an Aussie. They found me and 17 other puppies huddled together under a porch with no Ma or Pa dogs in sight. After being taken to a temporary shelter to get vaccinated (I'm the cute one in the cage), we were all loaded onto a big trailer heading for Minnesota. Unfortunately, eight of my comrades didn't make it all the way here. And if not for my Aunt Susan incessantly emailing Stew pictures of puppies available for adoption via www.petfinder.com, he and Momma never would have fallen in love with my beautiful mug when it finally popped up on the website one day. And let's face it, I was the cutest puppy in the world. Here's a picture of me posing at the dog shelter where Stew and Momma came to meet me.

Over the next couple months, I'll be blogging periodically to remind you about the Iams Home 4 the Holidays pet adoption drive. I plan to tell y'all a little more about my other adopted dog friends (and even a couple friends who support pet adoption... even if they themselves weren't rescued). And although I'm not a big fan of cats and find them to be evil, I firmly believe everyone deserves a safe home in which to live. Even cats. So, don't forget to go HERE to find a pet shelter in your area. You just might find your next best friend!

Happy October!

Below this post is a picture Uncle Kermit sent me. Seeing it reminds me that Momma's birthday is coming up at the end of the month. Stew usually throws her a little birthday party, then acts as if the party is all about him. The photo brings back memories of past parties. You see, I can usually find Stew, Uncle Kermit and Aunt Veronica (the bottom pumpkin) sitting around the fire pit on the patio at 3AM while Aunt's Susan and Michelle shake their heads in disgust and ask, "How are these people even still awake?" Stew often says that when it comes to drinking beer around a fire pit that he "has the power of 10 men." But someone should ask him about the second degree burns he received back in 1992 after a certain fire pit "accident". Not surprisingly, Uncle Franny (of FranDog fame) was there...

Anyway, Happy October!!!!

Claire's been pallin' 'round with other toddlers... YIKES!

Be afraid. Be very afraid. I don't know if you know this or not, but Claire has been known to associate with other toddlers, including her participation in "playtime" activities. In fact, she considers these other toddlers to be "friends". Claire even spent her first "playtime" outing in the living room of Marin Rios, a toddler raised by well-known Edina squirrel sympathizers! Now, I don't want to alarm you (well, actually... I do), but if we don't put a stop to this playtime activity soon, then there will soon be toddlers throughout the world joining together to tug on doggy tails and administer way-too-forceful pats on the fury heads of innocent mutts everywhere! These so-called "toddlers" show up all soft and cuddly... dance around all cute and silly for the grown up humans... then, when nobody's looking, they smack the sh!t out of the nearest dog. Have you ever had a toddler pat you on the head? If not, just imagine a tiny hammer crashing down on your skull. It hurts.

So, why do I bring this up today? I'm sure you think it has something to do with a certain VP candidate with nice gams and a folksy speech impediment spewing smears linking a certain presidential candidate (did I mention he's black?) with a 1960's-era domestic terrorist. But actually, I'm writing about Claire's toddler network because it's recently come to my attention that there's both outdoor and indoor toddler training facilities in Chaska. The photo at left happens to be about 1.5 blocks from the front door of our new house, and Claire wants her buddies to come visit for toddler training. And when it's just too cold to train outside, the City of Chaska has a family playroom with an indoor play castle. Luckily for me and my canine comrades, there's an off-leash bark park located at the Carver Park Reserve a few miles away from our new house. So, at least we'll be able to practice counter-toddler insurgency maneuvers to better protect ourselves from fists of fury administered by cutesy little humanoids.

Speaking of cutesy, following are some pictures of Claire and her new friend, Carlee, from their time training a couple weekends ago at The Eagle's Nest Toddler Training Facility in New Brighton.
Here Claire's pointing out the "How to clobber your dog" diagram in the Toddler's Manual of Pet Dominance.
UPDATE - I just posted my analysis of last week's VP debate. Read it at my other blog HERE.

Lowered expectations

Sorry for not posting pictures of Claire on Friday as promised. But after watching the VP debate Thursday night, I was still in shock on Friday. Can you believe there are people out there who think Governor Palin actually won that debate? In fact, a Fox News viewer text poll (where viewers text their vote into the network... sort of like how they vote on American Idol) showed 86% of viewers said Palin won. I'm curious by what standard these people measured her performance... but more on that at my other blog - HERE!

In the meantime, speaking of lipstick on a pig... with all the talk lately about swine and cosmetics, Claire was asking me the other day what this phrase means. You see, Claire knows what a pig is. She knows what sound it makes. But she's confused as to why a pig would be wearing lipstick. Not sure what to say, I told Claire that sometimes people put lipstick on a pig to make the pig more desirable to pig-haters. Then Claire asked, "So why does Momma sometimes where lipstick to work?" Can you say, "awkward?" Anyway, I then had to explain that there's a handsome intern named Luke Skywalker with a long, shiny light-saber who works at Momma's company (aka The Death Star), and Momma likes to look pretty for him. With a confused look on her face, Claire then asked, "Well, what about Papa... doesn't Momma want to look pretty for him?" And that's when I had to teach Claire a hard lesson about lowered expectations and crushed dreams, warning her that "...statistics show that you will likely end up with a husband who is just like your Papa." Apparently, this scared the daylights out of Claire, and she ran off. Concerned for her well being, I tracked Claire's scent which lead me to the bathroom. I found Claire sitting on the toilet, where she was smearing lipstick all over her face and sobbing uncontrollably. And I'll never forget what she told me, "I have to look prettier... I don't want to end up with a chubby hubby with bad skin and crooked teeth who smells funny!" Needless to say, I'm afraid Claire might be scarred for life...

Miss Teen South Carolina vs. Joe Blunder

Stew's somewhat technologically challenged, so he asked me to help him use the internet the other day to set up an email account... sort of like how John McCain asks his wife to help him figure out how to use the multiple electronic gate openers for his seven, eight or is it 13 houses (aka "estates")? Anyway, we created an email account for Stew, and he immediately started emailing Aunt Susan & Uncle Kermit about getting together this weekend for fish tacos. Plans were made, but at the last minute Kermit suggested initiating drinking maneuvers in downtown Fargo for the weekend instead of dining on Panko-crusted Tilapia fillets shoved inside corn tortillas. Well, his idea was shot down by both Susan and Stew, then Kermit replied with the following message:

Minnesota shares a small, land-based border with North Dakota. It is from our state that those which are sent out to keep an eye on the geographic center of North America are sent out to do their work. And we need to secure that border, and do trade missions and...and...that means JOBS. If we don't shore up our economy...well then the South Dakotans win. I'm talking about 80% of new jobs being created in the North Dakota drinking sector. And I'm not just gonna stand by, and not do something. So if drinking beer in Fargo punishes Al Qaeda - then count me in. ...and call me "Maverick."

--kermit

Reading Kermit's response got me thinking about tonight's VP debate. I'm wondering if Governor Palin will continue channeling her inner Miss Teen South Carolina (such as in THIS vidoe clip, such as), or if Senator Joe's foot-in-mouth disease will rear its ugly head. I especially liked it when Joe told a wheelchair-bound state senator from Missouri to "...stand up - let the people see you!" That was classic Joe... which is why I love him. Anyway, I suspect everything will be fine but, like most American dogs, I'm hoping there's some fireworks. I just hope no Gotcha! questions are posed by moderator Gwen Ifill (you know she's from that ultra-left wing PBS, so the Fox News pundits are crapping all over themselves about it). But Katie Couric should be ashamed for having the audacity to ask Gov. Palin what newspapers and magazines she reads to stay informed with current events. I probably wouldn't have answered the question either if all I read is USA Today, US Weekly and Varmint Hunter (yet I seriously doubt I would've babbled incoherently hoping nobody would notice).

Anyway, I'd rather post my politically-leaning blog entries on my other blog, but the publishing software over at WordPress doesn't allow me the ease of posting videos from a variety of sources. So, you'll just have to put up with my political views every now and again on this blog (but I hope to return to posting cute pictures of Claire & Friends tomorrow). In the meantime, I did actually post a video at my Wag The Dog Blog today (see it HERE). But before you click the link and head over to the other blog, check out this short video that takes a little peek inside the McCain Campaign as they prepare for the governor's big debate tonite. Enjoy!

And here's a little something my Auntie Karen sent me. I think it's funny, but Stew finds it upsetting... especially since he considers himself to be a former community organizer from his days working with small towns on behalf of the South Dakota Governor's Office of Economic Development. It's a stretch, but I'll give it to him...