Wednesday... Chump Day

Based on the title of this entry, you might have already guessed that I caught a glimpse of America's news source last night while channel surfing. That's right -- Fox News. More specifically, I watched about 30 seconds of Bill O'Reilly shouting over his guest, New York Congressman Charlie Rangel, for not offering a solution to the Iraq war. "You Democrats and liberals like to criticize President Bush and the war in Iraq, but I never hear you offering any solutions!" screamed O'Reilly. This little exchange reminded me of a squabble between momma and Stew last summer...

The story took place while Stew was grilling burgers on his Weber on the back patio. A squirrel sitting atop one of the big maple trees in the back yard was launching acorns and twigs at Stew while he was preparing the grill for cooking. One of the acorns landed on the hot coals in the Weber, causing one of the coals to bounce out of the grill and burn Stew's arm. So, Stew decided to retaliate by starting a fire beneath the tree in an effort to either kill the squirrel or at least smoke him out. Meanwhile, a nearby squirrel in another maple tree appeared to be watching the entire episode. With a menacing glare, Stew looked up at him and warned, "either you're with me, or you're with your little buddy... choose wisely."

So, while Stew continued building a fire under the tree, our neighbor poked his head over the fence and said, "Ya know, Stew, my son tells me that he thinks this other squirrel has been secretly hiding large rocks in that tree. We don't have evidence or anything, but I'm confident in my son's information."

With that, Stew ran into the house and told Linda "...Larry from next door guarantees me that the second squirrel has huge rocks stored in the tree, and the squirrel plans to use the rocks to destroy me. So, I want to attack this other squirrel, too."

Linda replied, "I don't think that's a good idea. Why don't you stay focused on the first squirrel that started all of this before going after the second one? Besides, didn't you have the tree trimming guy tell you just the other day that there are no large rocks being stored in that particular tree? Surely we can trust his information."

"My motto is 'trust no one'... and don't call me Shirley," retorted Stew. "I'm the decider, and I've decided that I'm going to attack the second squirrel, as well!"

So, Stew ran back outside and began building an even bigger fire under the second maple tree. Eventually, the second squirrel succumbed to the smoke and flames and fell out of the tree... lifeless. "Victory is mine!" cheered Stew. The last few leaves burned from the tree. Its bare limbs were exposed, and it became evident that there were no rocks being stored in the tree. "Oops," said Stew, "I guess the tree trimming guy was right, but at least my family is safe from what COULD HAVE BEEN a terrible ordeal. I took the fight to the squirrel so he couldn't attack us inside our home."

Just as Stew came to the realization that he attacked under false information -- and actually mislead Linda about it -- the neighborhood squirrels began assembling on the power wire that runs adjacent to the burning tree. Both gray squirrels and red squirrels, bitter rivals under normal circumstances, became united in their disgust for Stew. Then the grays started heaving acorns at Stew while the reds chucked twigs. However, after a while the grays and reds began to disagree as to which had the best weapon. They instinctively turned on each other and, before we knew it, a squirrel civil war erupted on the power wire. "Oh boy, now I've done it," Stew said with a gulp. "What to do, what to do... if only Dick Cheney were here to tell me what to do." And while Stew sat there scratching his... er, head... a burning limb fell from the tree onto the house, igniting it on fire.

Hearing the loud crash, Linda came running outside and yelled, "what the _______ is going on?!?!"

Stew sheepishly explained what happened and offered this solution, "I'm planning to throw more gasoline on the fire, which will enlarge the flames and scorch the squirrels on the power wire that have turned on one another... I'm thinking this will calm them down, and they'll all go home. But I have to warn you, it's likely the house will burn down in the process."

In shock, Linda said, "I think that's a horrible idea!"

To which Stew replied (ala Fox News), "all you've done is criticize me, but I don't hear any solutions from you!"

Still in shock, Linda asked, "Let me get this straight. You started a fire I was against in the first place. Now our house is burning to the ground, and you want me to come up with a solution... a solution you will totally disregard anyway?"

"Yep, that's about right. I'm going to the garage to get the gas can now," replied Stew.

Just then, a big 4x4 pickup truck with oversized tires and a Confederate flag glued into the rear window pulled up in the alley. Out jumped a striking young toothless man wearing a white V-neck t-shirt plastered with pork-n-bean juice stains. He shouted to Stew, "I been watchin' what you's been doin' this whole while, and I think we outta burn down the whole dang neighborhood... we gots some rabbits and ducks over in our parts that I just don't take kindly to... what do ya say?"

With that, Linda grabbed Stew by his acorns and told him what's what. She also saved the house in the process. But, I think it's too late for Fox News.

Run, Forest... run!

Well, today's the day Stew finally hops on the treadmill in the basement to start his quest to drop 20 lbs. He's a little insulted by my Richard Simmons comment in yesterday's post. But, I'm sure he'll get over it. Lucky for me, Stew doesn't own candy-striped silk running shorts or any tank-tops decorated in glitter, so I only need to put up with his disgustingly pale chicken legs for a short time. I'm confident he can't last longer than 10 minutes on that thing anyway ("that's what she said..." - for you The Office fans).

An interesting fact about Richard Simmons -- interesting to me anyway -- is that he was born in New Orleans... same as me. Also, he has never been married, which is sad. He's very successful and would be a fabulous provider (like Linda). You can learn more about Richard Slimmons and his fascinating life by visiting his website http://www.richardsimmons.com. Stew was an ardent devotee of The Richard Simmons Show when he was home sick from junior high school (the Emmy Award-winning show aired between 1980-1984). Stew claims there were occasionally scantilly-clad ladies frolicking around on stage, and that's apparently appealing to a teenage boy. I don't get it myself, but then again I don't have my "man peas" anymore, so I can't relate.

Pretty only gets you so far...

So I've updated my profile - complete with a more up-to-date photo. Now that my puppy cuteness has worn off, I've decided that it's time that I use a current photo, as well as complete my profile. Check it out when you have time. Or not. Either way, I'm going to post my puppy photo here so that you don't forget how darling I once was... growing old sucks. I just hope I don't inherit Stew's bad back, chunky belly or disposition. I don't want to be a grouchy old dog like him.

Got milk?

Since Claire recently graduated from smaller 5oz milk bottles to the 8oz ones, Stew decided that he should do his part to help Linda maintain a healthy "natural" milk supply. As stated in a previous blog entry, Stew's brain has turned to mush ever since the arrival of Claire. So, naturally, I found Stew in Claire's nursery Saturday night where he was hooked up to Linda's breast pump thingamagig. I'm not sure if he was in pain or simply working very hard to produce milk when I shot this photo, but the strained look on his face implied the former. After a good 30 minutes of this nonsense, Stew finally gave up. Since he's lost his mind, I thought I could get away with a ridiculous suggestion. So, I proposed that he first shave his chest - and his pale, fat belly while he's at it - to prevent hairs from clogging the tubes OR entering the milk supply. Plus, he could likely get a better suction with a "tight" fit around the nipple. Unfortunately, he didn't buy into this theory or else I'd have some additional distrurbing photos to show you. Speaking of disturbing photos, can you tell that Stew's trying to suck in his gut on the first photo? Doing so produced some sort of weird 6-pack... except four beer cans of the 6-pack are missing leaving two grotesque mounds of flesh protruding from his abdomen. Stew also made me promise to crop the photos just above his belly button so as not to show his latest Buddha. Linda and I are fairly certain that if Stew doesn't change his eating habits (and start exercising), then Richard Simmons is going to show up at our house with a fleet of firemen and a large crane to lift Stew from the house via a hole in the roof. We just hope Richard brings one of his new steamers (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3SCJLlSf21Y). Anyway, Claire's waiting to be fed, and I've got morning feeding duties... gotta run. Happy Monday to you and yours.

Surfin' the Tube

Stew and I spent some time on YouTube this morning during Claire's post-breakfast nap time. Here are a couple fun clips for your Friday...

George W. Bush on global warming (or climate change):
http://youtube.com/watch?v=_QvNuJYniFU


My favorite cartoon "Frisky Dingo" episode:

Part 1 http://youtube.com/watch?v=9BTSBPYeQYw
Part 2 http://youtube.com/watch?v=J0GhY4JsmUk

Debate between Governor Bush vs. President Bush on Jon Stewart's The Daily Show:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=LHB_NRIojho

There's something about Mary.

A word to the wise: never show up at our house unannounced because Stew will bust a nut. The doorbell rang this morning, and Stew - right on cue - immediately flies into a rage. The guy is an antisocial freak. I mean, he goes ballistic at the sound of a doorbell. Pavlov would have a field day with him. "Gosh Doggit! Who could that be at this hour?!?!" he screams. Incidentally, it was sometime around 11:30am. I'm fairly certain it could be just about ANYBODY, aside from a vampire. So, Stew stomps his feet as he heads to the front door, and just before opening the door, he puts a menacing scowl on his face so that the poor soul on the other side of the door knows that he/she came at a bad time (bad time = anytime Stew is home). He peers through the window as he's unlocking the door, and he sees that it's a little old lady that's come a callin'. "What the hell do you want?" Stew mutters under his breath, thinking it's the church lady who stopped by last fall to politely point out that he was going to burn in hell unless he and Linda attend her church. But, realizing he can't be a total ass to a little old lady, Stew manages to produce his best fake smile... which makes him look a lot like Beaker from The Muppet Show (including the same hairdo). However, instead of a lab coat, Stew's still wearing his pajamas. Upon opening the door, Stew's greeted with a "Hi, I'm Mary from the corner house." Apparently, this lady is named "Mary" and she lives on the corner. Remember how I mentioned antisocial behavior previously? That would explain why Stew and Linda know about two of our neighbors, and Mary is NOT a neighbor who is known to us. Stew won't even leave the house if our next door neighbor is outside. He dislikes small talk so much that he'll hide in the house until the coast is clear. How he ever became an award-winning salesperson peddling high-quality furniture at a modest price is beyond comprehension. Anyway, back to Mary. She holds up a bag and hands it to Stew while saying, "this is for your little girl... I got this before Christmas, so I hope everything still fits." Ahhhhhh, how sweet. The nice lady stopped over bearing gifts for Claire, and we don't even know who Mary is! What an awesome gesture. And how does Stew respond? Like someone who suffers from social retardation. "Thank you very much... this is so nice of you... thank you." Then he shut the door. He might as well have shoved Mary off the front stoop. Granted, Mary had started to turn her back and head back home before Stew shut the door, but wouldn't any normal person invite Mary inside to meet Claire? But Stew had much more important things to do than to return human kindness (he was assembling a bookcase for Claire's room... which is a blog entry unto itself). Anyway, Stew assures me that he feels awful. And remember how I said we don't know who Mary is? Well, there are four corner houses on the end of the block where she could live. Luckily, Mary signed the card with her last name so Stew could look it up in the Robbinsdale phone book. But, here's the kicker -- and I'm not making this up. Mary's is the ONLY name in the entire flippin' phone book that doesn't have an address listed, and I swear to you that we have never seen Mary before and don't have a clue which house is hers. Perhaps she is a vampire after all??? And for those who are curious about the outfits Mary got for Claire... they're all 6+ months, so they'll fit fine. Granted, they're a bunch of little vampire outfits. But it's the thought that counts, right? Thank goodness Mary's not a cat lady!

Graduation Day

We reached a major milestone today. Claire is graduating from little 5oz. milk bottles up to 8oz. She's very excited at the prospect of moving on to "big girl" bottles. Stew's also quite excited because he apparently thinks bigger milk bottles for Claire equates to bigger boobs for Linda. Sometimes we worry about Stew and his logic (or lack thereof). Ever since Claire arrived, his brain has turned to mush, and he's the biggest boob in the house (except for when Uncle Kermit comes to visit...).

Speaking of boobs... the check-out lady at Target told Stew today that Claire is "a beautiful, little boy." Instead of correcting the woman, Stew thanked her for her compliment and stated that Claire is "definitely daddy's little boy." The pictures show what Claire wears EVERY trip outside the house (her blue fleece outfit, which is her warmest piece of clothing... and extremely cute). The conversation - or interrogation from Stew's point of view - then turned to Claire's age of three months, to which the woman said with a smile and a wink that Claire is "coming along nicely... very proportionate and just the right size." At this point, Stew got nervous and was confused as to if they were still talking about Claire or if the woman was flirting with him. So, when she asked "what's his name?", Stew panicked. He hasn't had a female flirt with him since 1989, so he wasn't completely sure she was actually asking about Claire. What if he tells her the name is "Mr. Happy" and she's still talking about Claire? So, he reluctantly said "Claire?" (as if asking the lady if this was correct). "Oh," she said, "what an odd name for a little boy... is it a family name?" Desperate to get out of the store, Stew replied "Sort of... my wife's family is Comanche Indian, and Claire is Comanche for 'he who pulls buffalo skin over other's eyes'." With that, Stew took off for the door before the woman could say anything else. Here's another picture of Claire in her little boy outfit. I can't get enough of her!

Claire's State of the Union Address

I don't mean to beat a dead horse. Actually, yes I do. Today's episode of Hawaii 5-0 needs to be shared. The story line actually sucked -- an Eastern European tennis team visits Honolulu for an East vs. West tennis exhibition, and Russia's female star decides to defect to America with the aid of her love interest, who happens to be America's male star. Alas, something goes awry and a murder occurs. But fear not. McGarrett and his boys solve the caper in less than 45 minutes. Regardless of the plot, there were two fantastic things about the episode. First, the male tennis star from the U.S. was played by Tim Matheson, who played "Otter" in Animal House, and "Alan Stanwyk" in Fletch (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001513/). A supreme actor and one of my all time favorites! And secondly, Kurt Russell was phenomenal as the male Russian star - complete with Russian accent. Next to his role as "Jack Burton" in Big Trouble in Little China, this was Mr. Russell's finest work (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000621/). Anyway, I fear it was a "you had to see it" kind of moment we had today, so I'll refrain from anymore 5-0 chatter so as not to bore you further.

More good news -- a couple pages of Claire photos were (finally) added today. Check 'em out via the My Pictures link. She started smiling and "talking" a few weeks ago. And, once you're in Claire's photo album, you can also view movies of her (move your cursor over the my shots link near the upper left corner of Claire's photo album - and then click the sub-link albums). Here you'll find a folder titled Claire videos. And, in honor of today's State of the Union Address, Claire gives her very own speech, complete with hiccups. In the future, more movies and photos will be added... not to mention my very own movie folder aptly named Bogey Flicks. And if all this isn't enough excitement for you, I'm happy to report that Claire has finally pooped after a 2-day stand-off with mommy & daddy Stewart. Don't worry because Stew has pictures... just kidding. But, all is right with the world after tonite's poopfest... and I'll be sniffin' ya later.

Book 'em, Danno! (Part 2)

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is not your captain. There will be no departure time, and your trip will average 15-20 years. Aloha, suckers!"
- Detective Steve McGarrett

http://www.mjq.net/fiveo/sounds/mcgarret.wav




"The suspect's name is Mike Erickson. He came here about five years ago with ten dollars and a surfboard. He's still got the surfboard."
- Danny "Danno" Williams

http://www.mjq.net/fiveo/sounds/book2cnt.wav



"How do you like them pineapples?"
- Chin Ho

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kam_Fong_Chun
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=3929684751749233

We're all gearing up for today's episode of 5-0. However, Claire is being stubborn. She's recently started a tradition of peeing in the middle of a diaper change. She apparently thinks it's funny because she always smiles when she does it. Oh well, she's still the cutest baby ever.

Dog for hire... will work for biscuits

I recently read with disgust an article reporting that Paris Hilton is (allegedly) being paid $1M by Viennese socialite, Richard Lunger, to be his guest at the 2007 Vienna Opera Ball http://news.sawf.org/Entertainment/32291.aspx.
Apparently, the 74 year old Lunger traditionally invites a celebrity as his guest in order to help publicize the prestigious event. Past guests have included Faye Dunaway, Sophia Loren, and last year's Carmen Electra. Apparently, the guest pool has dwindled down considerably since Faye Dunaway's attendance. Nicole Richie can start shining her pumps for 2008 because she's the only thing lower than Paris Hilton on the Repulsive Pig Meter. Isn't paying Paris Hilton $1M to publicize an event like this a bit like hiring a circus freak to give potential home buyers a tour of your home during an open house? What kind of publicity can this disgusting human being bring to an event that's already the highlight of Vienna's social calendar? Then again, a dog living in Robbinsdale, MN, is blogging about it. So, touche` Mr. Lunger... somebody pass me the crow.
In other working class dog news, has anyone seen the Firedog commercial staring a dog named Ralph? This handsome fella has a striking resemblance to me, and I'm wondering if he could be a long-lost New Orleans relative. Check it out for yourself at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nEqVli1d-po. I'm thinking I could be a big star someday if Stew ever gets off his lazy arse and starts writing about and/or shooting videos of me. I could act circles around that Ralph guy! Heck, strap a cape to my back, and I could star in a remake of the classic cartoon UnderDog. I'm very versatile and can play the superhero or the humble and lovable shoeshine boy (his identity when incognito). I've got a lock on lovable, but I'll need to work a bit on the humble part. I already know my lines: "Not bird, not plane, not even frog. It's just little old me, Underdog!" Hollyweird, here I come.

Book 'em, Danno!

We recently struck gold at The Stewart house. It turns out that episodes of Hawaii 5-0 air everyday at 1pm on local Channel 15! Stew and I could not be happier. Claire, on the other hand, seems to be disinterested since 1pm is smack dab in the middle of her post-lunch nap. Oh well... her loss. So, we now get to watch Jack Lord as Steve McGarrett, head of an elite state police unit investigating organized crime, murder, assassination attempts, foreign agents, and felonies of every type. And where else on television can you see Kam Fong as Chin Ho? This guy is brilliant, and you might be surprised to learn that he never won an Emmy or even a Golden Globe. Not once! The series was also famous for the stellar guest actors who appeared in episodes, including Ricardo Montalban (prior to his role as Mr. Rourke on Fantasy Island) and Leslie Nielsen (in a serious role... weird). McGarrett's nemesis, the evil Wo Fat — a Red Chinese agent in charge of the entire Pacific Asiatic Theatre — looks a lot like our Asian mail carrier, so I can really relate to the McGarrett character. Anytime Wo Fat appears on screen, I instinctively begin to growl. It drives Stew nuts, but what can I do? So, if we are to enjoy yet another episode of 5-0 today, then I'll need to sign off and get crackin' on some chores. We've decided today would be a good day to dust the entire house. Best estimates puts its last dusting at February 23, 1985. Yikes...

Back in the saddle again...

After several weeks of non-stop visitors, I finally took back my spot on the couch. I was beginning to wonder if I'd ever get back up there. Most recently, Stew's family came for a visit to meet Claire, bring her toys and give us lots of excellent advice for caring for her. Grandma Judy and Aunt Dee visited from Florida, while Uncle Doug (StewCat) & Aunt Peggy brought cousin Bridget to visit from South Dakota. So, now that things are getting back to normal (normal = Stew and I sitting on the couch all day watching TV while Claire cleans the house), I hope to get back to the blogging. Hopefully, my four faithful bloggees are still with me...

Who dunnit?

Back in the mid-1980's, Bobby Krier told Stew one of the funniest jokes of all time. Anyone who knows Bobby will immediately assume the joke is distasteful, but that's not the case. The joke goes something like this: A dog walks into a saloon with a bandage on his leg. He limps up to the bar and takes a seat on a stool. The bartender comes over and asks the dog, "what'll it be?" The dog looks the bartender square in the eye and says, "I'm lookin' for the man that shot my paw."

Well... I, too, am looking for the culprit that injured my paw this morning. As you can see from the photo, my rear left paw has been bandaged, and I've been assigned to bed rest by Dr. Stew. While out in the backyard for my morning patrol of the perimeter, I encountered a lot of activity. First, the annoying border collie to the north was barking at me incessantly, so I did what I always do when this happens. I took a seat a few inches from the border collie's face - with the chain link fence between us - and I just stared at her with my you're giving dogs a bad name look. All this does is stir her up more to the point that she starts running figure-8's in her backyard. Once that occurs, I know my work is done. So, after crazy ass starts her figure-8 routine, I continue my patrol. Upon arrival at the northeast quadrant of the compound, my nemesis - the gray squirrel who sits atop the big maple tree - started a barrage of acorns in my direction. I juked and jived and averted all danger and continued my patrol. Next, in the southeast quadrant, I spy the neighbor to the south carrying a strange, white, plastic bag and placing it in a large receptacle that sits at the alley. Every Monday, a huge green truck stops by and removes the contents of the receptacle, and the odor is horrendous. Anyway, being the good sentinel that I am, I give the neighbor a warning "woof!" just to let him know I'm watching him. Then, after the neighbor retreats inside his fort, and I've confirmed our borders are secure, I return to the backdoor of our barracks and give a "yip!" (dog code for "I've completed my duties... now let me back inside"). So, as Grandma Judy (Stew's mom) is letting me in the house, we both notice blood coming from my rear paw. "What happened, Bogey?" she asked innocently, but I just stared at her as if she is possibly part of the conspiracy to damage my appendage. If I learned anything watching the great FBI Agent Fox Mulder (from television's The X-Files), it's to trust no one!

So... who dunnit? Well, it turns out that I must've stubbed my paw on the frozen ground. Yes, that's right... this mighty warrior and master sentry simply broke a nail. But we all know that there's nothing worse than when your nail is cut too short. Ouch! But after a couple hours bed rest, I'll be back on patrol because nothing keeps a good dog down.

"She slimed me..."

It's now Day #2 of Stew's odyssey into stay-at-home parenting. Linda returned to work on Tuesday, leaving Stew and me in charge of babysitting duties. Day #1 was fairly uneventful, with Claire simply eating and sleeping most of the day. That is, until about 11PM last night after her final feeding of the day (Claire likes to have her tank topped-off just before bedtime so she can sleep until 6AM or 7AM). That's when it happened - straight out of Ghostbusters (the 1984 blockbuster movie starring Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd, Harold Ramis, etc...). I was upstairs in the master bedroom with Momma, lying on my doggy bed at the foot of Stew and Momma's bed, when Stew came running into the room carrying Claire and screaming, "she slimed me!" - referring to the scene in the movie where a ghost drenches Bill Murray's character in a slimy, green substance. In Stew's case, Claire chose to douse him in milky white vomit. Like the pro she is, Momma simply got out of bed, giggled a little, then took Claire away from Stew. "I'll clean her up, but you're on your own," she tells Stew. So, he turns to me and says, "Bogart, come with me." Not knowing any better than to obey my master, I followed Stew downstairs anticipating a tasty Milkbone upon arrival. Instead, once downstairs, Stew points at a puddle on the carpet left behind by Claire's "sliming" episode and says "there you go, Bogey... it's all yours - lick it up." Are you kidding me? I think not. While I'm confident he was being facetious, I failed to find the humor in Stew's suggestion. I might have, at one time in my youth, had a bad habit of putting my own "droppings" in my mouth while playing in the backyard. But I was just a puppy at the time, and I've long since outgrown that disgusting habit. So, let's all move past my youthful indiscretions and cut this dog some slack. Anyway, Stew wiped up the mess with a towel... no harm done, except that I didn't get my Milkbone.
Day #2 was a little more lively. Not only was it bath day, but Claire also woke up with a tiny scratch on her face, indicating she needs her fingernails clipped. Momma's typically in charge of nail clipping in our house. Not only does she clip Claire's nails, but she also does mine. Stew is way too skittish to handle such a delicate task. Unfortunately for Claire, she had no choice today. I'll spare you the gruesome details. It wasn't pretty. There was blood, and there was crying... lots and lots of crying... and mostly by Stew. I never want to experience this ever again. Several hours have elapsed since the horrific nail clipping incident, and Claire has smiled many, many times throughout the day. It appears she's put it all behind her, but I'm worried that this experience has scarred me for life. Nonetheless, I can hardly wait to see what Day #3 will bring... rumor has it that Claire and Stew are going grocery shopping. So, wish us luck...

Predictions for 2007 from NostraDOGus

Happy New Year! I apologize for the belated well wishes, but I have to rely on Stew for assistance with my blog. You see, I'm only 2' 4" tall, so I need to sit in Stew's lap in order to reach the keyboard with my paws. Unfortunately, Stew somehow threw his back out this weekend while laying on the couch eating leftover Christmas cookies and fudge. On New Year's Day, he took a trip to the urgent care clinic to get some meds (muscle relaxer and a pain killer). So, now that he's popping pills, it's difficult to keep him awake long enough to type a blog entry. Maybe now the lard ass will start taking better care of his (once delicious) body. The last time Stew felt this much back pain was two summers ago while visiting Grandma Helen & Grandpa Bob in Herreid, SD. It was the Herreid Centennial Celebration. So, after participating in the Centennial Parade (Stew, Linda & Aunt Karen rode in the back of Grandpa Bob's pick-up and threw candy at kids in the crowd), Stew decided to head to the beer tent. His other options were: 1) going to church, 2) walking through the craft fair building, or 3) jabbing a sharp stick into his eye. Needless to say, Stew made a beeline to the beer tent. And, since Stew didn't know a single person in the tent, he decided to stand next to the kegs and make small talk with the "bartender". Standing and slightly swaying in the beer tent for 10 straight hours took its toll on old man Stew. He woke up the next morning without the ability to straighten his back (and it was 2-3 days later before he could stand upright). On a positive note, while standing in the beer tent, Stew was able to meet all 400 residents of Herreid before the night was over. He also learned a valuable life lesson: proper stretching is key to a successful marathon beer-drinking session.

Anyway, Armageddon Week on The History Channel included a program about Nostradamus, the astrologer guy who supposedly predicted a bunch of bad things centuries before the bad things occurred (http://www.nostradamususa.com/).
The picture to the left is not Nostradamus, but I believe it bears a striking resemblance to the 16th Century astrologer. In actuality, this is a gnome taking a poop by the privacy fence of our backyard patio. It's quite the conversation piece, but you need to watch your step during summer cook-outs. Getting back to Nostradamus, I started thinking that perhaps I could come up with a few predictions of my own for 2007. Here are my Top 10 predictions:

10. Linda will only have 2-3 new jobs within her company this year (down from six in '06).

9. Vice President Dick Cheney will be replaced by Vice President Rudy Giuliani (or possibly VP John McCain... I can't decide).

8. Republicans will blame the Democrats for all the nation's problems while taking credit for any success in 2007.

7. Democrats will blame the Republicans (again) for all the nation's problems while taking credit for any success in 2007.

6. The rest of us will continue scratching our heads while asking "how the heck can we get rid of all those clowns in Washington?"

5. 2007 is The Year of the Pig on the Chinese Calendar, so it's going to be a banner year for the pork industry. The popular slogan, "Pork... the other white meat", will be replaced with the more accurate, albeit politically incorrect: "Pork... 1.3 billion Chinamen can't be wrong!"

4. I will finally capture the elusive gray squirrel that mocks me from high atop the maple tree in the backyard, thereby making him an example to all other rodents that dare test my hunting prowess.

3. After cats are finally exposed for being the evil creatures that I've always known them to be, all domesticated housecats will be banished to the wild where they will be hunted for their soft, furry coats.

2. Due to a serious case of procrastination on the part of its publisher, the 2006 Christmas edition of The Stewart Family Barker newsletter will be released as a Winter 2007 edition instead... hopefully sometime before spring arrives.

1. Claire Stewart retains her "WORLD'S CUTEST BABY" title!

Boned by Santa

Contrary to popular belief, I was not a naughty dog this year. Not only did I get a new chew toy from Momma & Stew, but I also got some of Grandma Helen's homemade doggie biscuits (the kinds that make the sky turn orange... yummy!). Plus, Aunt Karen gave me a box of delicious Milkbone biscuits. And, to top it off, Santa brought me some fresh soup bones and a bottle of cinnamon schnapps. Unfortunately, Grandpa Bob nabbed my schnapps before I could get my paws on the bottle... he seems to like his schnapps, so I let it go... 'tis the season, right? A nice thing about being a dog is that you're not expected to get gifts for anyone else. I simply need to put up with the ridiculous costumes that Stew tries to dress me up in. This year, I drew the line at the fake antlers. I wasn't about to allow Stew to dress me up like an elf, although the little green tights made me feel sexy.

Just before Christmas, some guys showed up with a huge jogging machine that they set up in the basement. It makes a funny sound whenever Momma runs on it, which she seems to enjoy doing quite frequently. Stew, on the other hand, prefers to curse at it whenever Momma isn't around. And one day when Stew was running upstairs to get a second helping of brownies and ice cream, he stubbed his toe on the big jogging machine. Let's just say the language I heard spewing from his mouth was enough to make a Pit Bull blush (for those who don't know it, the Pit Bull in the dog community is the equivalent of a sailor in your human world). I haven't seen Stew go near the machine since, but I can confirm he still likes to run upstairs for second helpings of goodies... he's just a little more careful about it now.

From my family to yours, we hope you had a merry little Christmas!